Things I Wish I Put in My Divorce Decree (What I Wish I Knew Before My Divorce, Part 2)

This is part of a 3-part series on what women wish they knew before their divorce. You're reading: Part 2 Also in this series: Part 1 covers insurance, process, relationships, and self-care | Part 3 covers mediation, priorities, state laws, and happiness

The things people most often wish they had put in their divorce decree are the details that decide whether the settlement works after the paperwork is signed. That means retirement account transfer language, deadlines to refinance or sell the house, life insurance to protect support, who pays which debts, who claims the children on taxes, and a clear way to settle disagreements. Most of these are not dramatic. They are small gaps that turn into expensive arguments a year later.

A few years ago, I asked a group of divorced and soon-to-be divorced people, “What do you wish you knew before your divorce?” I got so many responses that they filled three posts. Many of them came back to the same theme: something was missing from the agreement. As a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst, I read a lot of settlement agreements, and the same omissions show up again and again. This post walks through 15 of them so you can check your own agreement before you sign, or find out what to do if you already have. The story-based lessons from that group, including college tuition, exhaustion, and mindset, follow the checklist.

I am not an attorney and this is not legal advice. Use this list to ask better questions of your attorney or mediator, who can tell you how the rules work in your state.

Why a divorce decree is so hard to fix later

A divorce decree is a court order. Once it is entered, changing it usually means going back to court, and some parts can barely be changed at all. In Ohio, for example, property division is generally treated as final, and spousal support can typically be modified later only if the decree reserved that right. Rules differ by state, so confirm the details with your attorney.

The practical point is simple. Whatever is vague or missing on the day you sign is the thing you will negotiate again, usually with less leverage and more emotion. It is much cheaper to add a sentence now than to litigate its absence later. One of the biggest lessons learned by those who have been through the process is that you cannot wing it. Having a clear strategic plan for divorce helps you solve the “puzzle” of asset division without turning it into a battle.

Divorce decree checklist at a glance

Money and property items people wish they had added

1. Retirement account language that gets the money moved

Awarding you part of a 401(k) or pension is not the same as receiving it. In most cases the transfer requires a separate court order, called a QDRO for many employer plans, and someone has to draft it, get the plan to approve it, and file it. (IRAs are usually divided by a transfer incident to divorce instead, which has its own paperwork.) If the decree does not say who prepares the order, who pays for it, and by when, months can pass and account values can change in the meantime. Put in the valuation date, the exact share or dollar amount, and whether gains and losses since that date come with it. Our guides to dividing a 401(k) and QDROs go through the details. If your decree is already signed, see how to claim your share of your ex's retirement account.

2. Who pays which debt, and what happens if they do not

The decree tells you and your ex who owes what, but it does not bind the lender. If a joint credit card or loan is assigned to your ex and they stop paying, the creditor can still come after you. Ask for the debt to be paid off or refinanced into one name by a set date, and for language that makes your ex responsible for repaying you if you end up covering it. Then check your credit reports after the divorce. Our post on protecting your credit during divorce covers the steps.

3. A firm deadline to refinance or sell the house

Many decrees say one spouse keeps the house and stop there. Your name can remain on the mortgage for years, which affects your ability to borrow and leaves you liable if payments stop. Ask for a specific deadline to refinance or sell, a statement of who pays the mortgage, taxes, and insurance until then, and what happens if the deadline is missed. If you are deciding whether to keep the home at all, read how to keep your house in a divorce first.

4. Life insurance that protects support

If you are relying on child support or spousal support, that income is only as secure as the person paying it. Life insurance can protect it. Decrees often skip this or mention it without details. Specify the coverage amount, who owns the policy, who the beneficiary is, how long the requirement lasts, and a way for you to confirm the policy is still in force each year.

5. Health insurance for you and the children

Coverage that comes through your spouse's employer usually ends when the divorce is final, although you may be able to continue it temporarily through COBRA, typically at full cost. Decide in advance who covers the children, who pays premiums and uncovered medical costs, and what your own coverage will look like. It is far easier to plan for this before signing than after a gap in coverage. Our guide to health insurance and divorce explains the options.

6. Taxes for the year of the divorce and every year after

Decide who claims the children in each year, and write it down, because the IRS rules on who is entitled to claim a child do not always match what the two of you assume. Address filing status for the year of the divorce, who pays any balance due on past joint returns, and who keeps records. Our post on filing taxes during a divorce covers the main decisions.

7. Spousal support terms that leave little room for argument

Beyond the monthly amount, the terms that matter most are the length, the events that end support such as remarriage or cohabitation, and whether the amount can be changed later. In Ohio, a court can generally modify spousal support only if the decree reserved that authority, so this one sentence carries a lot of weight. If a lump sum makes more sense than monthly payments, look at spousal support buyouts, and see how Ohio spousal support works for the rules in our state.

8. Payment logistics for anything owed to you

If your ex owes you an equalization payment, a share of an account, or reimbursement, the decree should state the amount, the due date, the method of payment, whether interest applies, and what happens if it is late. Payments without dates tend to drift.

9. The assets nobody listed

The big accounts get attention. The smaller ones get forgotten, including stock options and restricted stock units, health savings accounts, rewards and airline miles, cryptocurrency, and online accounts. Stock compensation in particular is treated differently depending on the type, and the vesting schedule affects what you receive. Our document checklist lists what to gather so nothing is missed.

Parenting items people wish they had added

10. Parenting schedule details

A schedule that says “reasonable parenting time” leaves you negotiating every weekend. Spell out the regular rotation, holidays and school breaks, exchange times and locations, who provides transportation, and how travel and passports are handled. Our parenting plan checklist covers what to include.

11. Children's expenses beyond basic support

Child support usually does not cover everything. Activities, uninsured medical costs, school fees, childcare, and college are common flashpoints. Decide how each will be split, who has to approve a new expense, and how quickly reimbursements are due. See how to handle parenting expenses after divorce and how child support is calculated in Ohio. College is covered in its own section further down.

12. Relocation notice and how you will communicate

Two short provisions prevent a lot of conflict. One requires advance written notice before either parent moves a meaningful distance. The other names how you will communicate about the children, whether that is email, a co-parenting app, or something else. Writing this down removes the argument about what was agreed.

Paperwork and everyday items people wish they had added

13. Name changes, titles, and beneficiary updates

A decree can allow you to return to a former name, but you still have to update your Social Security record, license, and accounts. Titles to cars and property need to be transferred, and beneficiary designations on retirement accounts and life insurance often stay pointed at your ex until you change them. List who is responsible for each task and set a deadline. Our after divorce checklist walks through the follow-up.

14. Personal property and pets

Sentimental items cause outsized fights. If a piece of jewelry, a family heirloom, or the family pet matters to you, name it in the agreement. Do not assume a general clause about household goods will cover it.

15. How disputes get resolved

Even a careful agreement leaves questions. A clause that requires the two of you to try mediation before going to court saves time and money, and a clause on who pays legal fees if someone violates the agreement discourages that. This is the provision you will be glad to have when something unexpected comes up. The section on what to do when an agreement is ignored, further down, picks up from here.

What to do if your divorce decree is already signed

Signing does not always mean the door is shut. Depending on what is missing, there are a few paths.

• Something was awarded but never carried out. A QDRO, a deed transfer, or a refinance can often still be completed after the decree, because the right was already granted. Start with the paperwork.
• Something is unclear. Your attorney may be able to ask the court to clarify or enforce the language you already have.
• Something was left out entirely. Both of you can agree to an amendment, but without your ex's cooperation, changing a final order is difficult and depends on your state's rules.

Talk to a family law attorney soon, because some deadlines and remedies narrow over time.

More of what I wish I knew: the lessons from the group

The checklist above covers what to put in writing. These are the lessons that came up most often when I asked people what they wish they had known, and they are about the parts a decree cannot cover for you.

How to Handle College Tuition

The issue of higher education expenses varies greatly from family to family. In addition, college tuition varies by state. Often, there's an “end” to childhood (and child support payments) when your children turn 18 or graduate high school. That said, some states are including language around college tuition in their agreements. My advice is to consider college and how you wish to help launch your children into adulthood as you're mediating your divorce. Even if your children are young, things like savings plans and responsibilities must be considered. After all, some parents prepare for college for their children's entire lives, so this could be a significant consideration before your divorce.

Key Lesson: It is never too early to consider how you wish to support your child into adulthood, especially if large tuition payments are part of the equation. Discuss this in mediation for a smooth resolution.

Further Reading: 3 Things Divorced Parents Need to Plan for the College Transition, FAFSA Tips for Divorced Parents

What to Do if the Divorce Agreement is Ignored

At the end of the day, you can agree to everything under the sun. You can also hope for the best, especially if your ex-spouse is agreeable and your divorce is amicable. However, be mindful that items in your agreement could be ignored, particularly as situations change. Further, are you willing to go back to court to fight it out if they do? Unfortunately, the court may still not hold the other person in contempt; they have all the power for that. This is a “pick your battle” type of situation. I always advise setting clear expectations from the get-go.

Key Lesson: Things written into divorce decrees are sometimes ignored, so think about how it will be enforced. A mediator can help you think through appropriate consequences during divorce mediation.

How Exhausting the Process Is

The divorce process can certainly be a beast. Before my divorce, I knew it was going to be an undertaking, but I wasn't prepared for the abundance of paperwork it creates. That's not to mention the balance of keeping the house going, maintaining routines that are as close to normal as possible for my kids, and general upset about the process.

My most successful clients are the ones who are organized. After all, the process throws a lot at you very quickly. In the stress of the divorce, it's easy for your fight-or-flight instincts to kick in and other mental functions like memory to slow down. Having an organized system with all your bank and credit card statements, calendars, and other documents will save you countless hours in legal fees and “don't let the kids see you get frustrated” moments.

Key Lesson: Organization! Keep a well-organized binder or Google Folder to house all of your important documents so it's one less thing you have to worry about in the divorce process. Our document checklist is a good place to start.

Further Reading: 4 Ways to Stay Organized Throughout the Divorce Process

Raising a Child Doesn't Stop at 18

While you may no longer be co-parenting your child and enforcing boundaries, expectations, and rules at home, raising a child doesn't end at 18. As I mentioned above, there will be situations where you and your ex have to agree on things for the benefit of your children. Further, you will also have to present a united front on how you wish to lead your children into the early adulthood phase of their growth.

Having a clear plan on what you wish to do as your children grow up is one benefit of mediation; you can talk about things that don't fall within the state's parameters for your separation agreement. A parenting plan may seem silly as you don't need to do much “parenting” after a certain age, but it will help you to set guidelines for how you as parents continue to support your children.

Key Lesson: Your children will still be your children even as they become adults. Consider a mediation meeting to talk about how you wish to continue guiding your children into adulthood, especially if circumstances have changed since your initial agreement was written.

Further Reading: 

Children's Books About Divorce by Age Group 

Co-Parenting Teens: Helping Your Teen Through Divorce

Trust and Mindset

A noticeable theme emerged when I asked people what they wish they knew before a divorce; it centered around divorce mindset and trust. I heard things like:

• Don't trust him!

• Get out earlier.

• “‘Let's try to work it out' is code for ‘Let's waste each other's time.'”

And, in one instance, someone who believed their ex who said she couldn't keep the house because she didn't know how to maintain it. She also wrote that she should have known she was able to figure it out. While I don't advocate for “shoulding” on yourself, having the belief that you can learn to manage what comes up is a worthwhile lesson.

Generally, I think people try to do their best. As much as you may not want to recognize that your ex is going through stress and emotional issues as well (especially if they initiated the divorce), the reality is that they are working through their own things, too.

That said, this time before a divorce (and also during and after) will rock you. Having a solid mindset and self-care practice seems foolhardy, but it is so important. Respect yourself and do what you need to so you can remember that this will not break you.

Key Lesson: What you can control is you. Make your health and well-being a priority so you can maintain a healthy mindset.

These are all real-world examples of what others have wondered prior to their divorce, and even some during their divorce, so please know you are not alone. As one person said, “Before my divorce, I wish I knew how much happier I would be!” At the end of the day, it will sting for a bit, but there is hope and happiness on the other side! 

Frequently asked questions

What should be included in a divorce decree? A divorce decree typically covers property and debt division, retirement account transfers, spousal and child support, parenting time, insurance, and taxes. The strongest ones also include deadlines, payment details, and a way to resolve disputes.

What is the difference between a divorce decree and a settlement agreement? A settlement agreement is the contract you and your spouse negotiate. The decree is the court order that makes the divorce final, and in many cases the agreement is attached to it or incorporated into it. Terms vary by state.

Can you change a divorce decree after it is signed? Sometimes, but it depends on what you want to change and where you live. Parenting and support terms are often easier to modify than property division, and some terms can only be changed if the decree allowed it. Ask your attorney about your specific situation.

What do people forget most often in a divorce settlement? Retirement account transfer details, deadlines to refinance the house, life insurance to secure support, health coverage, tax questions, and smaller assets like stock compensation and rewards balances.

Do I need a financial professional to review my settlement? It is worth having someone look at the numbers, because a term that reads fine on paper can have tax and cash flow consequences that are not obvious. A Certified Divorce Financial Analyst can model the settlement before you sign, and your attorney reviews the legal language.

Have a professional review your settlement before you sign

If you are still negotiating, the best time to catch a gap is before the decree is entered. I work with women who want their settlement reviewed for financial risks and missing details. You can learn more about our divorce financial planning services or get in touch. If you are earlier in the process, our overview of common financial mistakes in divorce is a good place to start.

If this article resonated with you, you’ll love the conversations happening on the Intentional Divorce Insights podcast. Each episode offers real stories, expert insights, and practical tools to help you navigate every stage of divorce with confidence.

Last reviewed: September 2026