When Your Child Refuses to Visit the Other Parent

When a child refuses to visit their other parent, the usual cause is the transition itself rather than the other parent. Consistency is what fixes it: keep the routine predictable, keep your own anxiety off your face, let them bring familiar things, and prepare them in advance. Unless there is neglect or abuse involved, your job is to encourage the visit, even when it is the last thing you feel like doing.

One of the hardest things to do as a divorced parent is to encourage your kids to go with your ex when they don't want to. When my ex and I first separated, my youngest was a toddler. We all know how toddlers act when they're not happy. He would throw a tantrum every time he had to transition between our homes. It used to break my heart the way that he would cry and fuss.

It got better. It took longer than I wanted it to, but it got better.

Why do children refuse to go?

Most of the time it is about change, not about the other parent. Some children simply do not do well with transitions, and moving between two houses is a transition several times a month. Younger children may not have the words for it and will show you instead, through tantrums, stomach aches, or clinginess right at handoff.

It is also worth knowing that refusal often looks worse than it is. Many parents report that the child who sobbed at the door is fine twenty minutes later. That does not make the doorway any easier, but it does mean the tears are not always a reliable measure of how the visit will go.

There are exceptions, and they matter. If your child is avoiding visits because of neglect, abuse, or because something specific happened, that is a different situation and the advice below does not apply. Skip to the section on when refusal is a bigger problem.

5 ways to encourage your child to go with the other parent

1. Hide your own anxiety

One way to make the transition between homes as smooth as possible is not to allow your kids to see your own anxiety over them leaving. If your children feel that you aren't okay with them going to see their other parent, then they aren't going to be happy about it either. Let them know that you'll miss them while they're away, but you're glad that they're going to be able to spend time with their other parent. If you know about things planned for that time, take the time to remind them so they have something great to look forward to.

2. Keep your plans to yourself

You may want to keep your own plans to yourself about what you'll be doing while the children are gone. If they feel like you might be participating in something fun without them, they may not want to go with their other parent. If they ask what you'll be doing, tell them the basic things: cleaning, working, reading a book, the kinds of things they see you doing all the time.

3. Allow your kids to take comfort items

Let your child take items to the other parent's home that are familiar. This can be pictures, books, games, a blanket, or even a favorite stuffed animal to cuddle with at night. When they have familiar things with them, they won't feel like they are as far away from the place they primarily call home.

4. Make a family calendar

If you have set days where you and your ex trade off the children, let the kids know when those days will be. A calendar the kids can mark themselves works well. They will be less confused when it's time to go to the other home, especially if you share parenting responsibilities.

This does not work for every child. If your child deals with a significant amount of anxiety around transitions, you may prefer to keep those dates to yourself until the day of, or even the night before.

5. Prepare kids for transitions

Help your child prepare ahead for being with the other parent. Give them gentle reminders, including telling them the day before that tomorrow they will be going with their mom or their dad. You might also let them know a couple of hours before the transition takes place. If your child is transitioning straight from school to the other parent's home, make sure they have a plan for that too.

Try to have a mutual agreement with your ex that the kids can call either parent when they want to. For many kids, just knowing they have that option makes the transition much easier.

Much of this is the same groundwork that helps with everything else in the first year. If you are in the early stages, start with helping kids through divorce, which covers what to say at each age and how to keep conflict away from them.

When refusal is a bigger problem

Most refusal is about transitions and settles with consistency. Some of it is not, and it helps to know the difference.

Talk to your attorney if any of the following is true:

• Your child describes something that concerns you about their safety or care at the other home.
• The refusal is sudden and severe after a period of going willingly, with no obvious explanation.
• Your child's distress extends well beyond the handoff and is affecting school, sleep, or eating.
• You believe the other parent is actively discouraging the relationship, or your child is repeating adult language about the divorce that they could not have arrived at on their own.
• You are considering withholding a visit. This is the important one.

That last point is worth being direct about. If you have a court order in place, not sending your child can put you in violation of it, even when your reasons feel obvious to you. Courts generally expect the parent with the child to make the visit happen. If you believe there is a genuine safety issue, the route is through your attorney and the court, not through unilaterally stopping visits. We are not attorneys and this is not legal advice, but it is the single most common way well-meaning parents create a legal problem for themselves.

If the underlying issue is that you and your co-parent cannot discuss any of this without it escalating, mediation is usually a faster and cheaper route than going back to court, and divorce coaching can help you prepare for the conversation.

Transitions over time

It can be difficult to put on the smile and encourage your children to go with the other parent. Still, it's something you need to do for them to settle into the transition. Some children only have anxiety going one direction. Others experience it in both, because it is the change itself that bothers them.

If you maintain a consistent routine, the kids will get used to it, and so will you. Divorce isn't going to be an easy change for your kids, and they are going to need the love and support of both parents to get through it.

It's now been years since my son cried when transitioning between homes. We have a regular routine, and we all know what to expect. I'm glad those days are behind us, and I'm glad we persevered, because our kids have a good relationship with both my ex and me.

Frequently asked questions

What do I do if my child refuses to go to their other parent's house?

Unless there is a safety concern, encourage the visit and keep the routine consistent. Keep your own anxiety hidden, let them bring familiar comfort items, prepare them in advance, and agree with your co-parent that the child can call either parent. Most transition refusal improves with consistency over weeks and months rather than days.

Can I refuse to send my child if they don't want to go?

If a court order is in place, withholding a visit can put you in violation of it, even when your child is genuinely distressed. Speak to your attorney before withholding parenting time. If there is an immediate safety concern, that is a matter for your attorney and the court.

Is it normal for a child to cry at custody exchanges?

Yes, particularly with younger children and particularly in the first months. Crying at the handoff is usually about the transition rather than the other parent, and many children settle shortly after leaving. Persistent distress that carries into school, sleep, or eating is worth discussing with a professional.

At what age can a child decide not to visit a parent?

This varies by state, and in most places a child's preference is one factor a court may consider rather than a decision the child gets to make. There is rarely a fixed age at which refusal becomes their choice. Ask your attorney what applies where your case is filed.

About Intentional Divorce Solutions

At Intentional Divorce Solutions, we're committed to guiding individuals through the complexities of divorce with an approach centered on empowered choices and respectful outcomes. Our team provides support and expertise in several key areas:

• Divorce Financial Planning and Analysis: In-depth financial insights and strategies for a secure future post-divorce.
• Divorce Mediation: Facilitating respectful and balanced negotiations to reach mutually beneficial resolutions.
• Divorce Coaching: Personalized support and guidance through the emotional and practical challenges of divorce.

Please Note: We focus on providing support and solutions in various aspects of divorce. However, we are not attorneys and do not offer legal advice.

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Last reviewed: August 2026