How the Kitchen Sink Taught Me Self-Care

by Liesel Darby, ADR Certified Divorce Coach, Divorce Mediator

You Deserve More Than a Sandwich Over the Sink – A Story of Self-Care After Divorce

You may be wondering about the title for this blog—"That’s a weird thing to say, what’s that about?”  I was thinking about how far I’ve come since the very early days when my ex dropped the bomb-- he hadn’t loved me in years and wanted a divorce. I sat at the kitchen table on that Thursday morning, stunned.  The next morning, I finally asked him if there was someone else; he said yes. I uttered a name, and he confirmed it.  The signs had all been there, I just had not been ready to acknowledge them.  Now I had no choice.  I was devastated. What followed was my first experience with real self-care after divorce—even though I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time.

The Kitchen Sink & the Start of Self-Care After Divorce

Things moved at a fast clip after that.  We went to a mediator to make our agreements, divided all the furniture, dishes, linens, TVs, cars, bank accounts and credit cards.  I kept the cats.  We put the house on the market. He moved out.  I stayed until the house sold. I loved that house.  And for a while, all “meals” were eaten over the kitchen sink. 

I say “meals” because my dining menu became severely restricted for months.  Breakfast consisted of a handful of sunflower seeds and maybe a Clementine.  Anything else eaten during the day was consumed over the kitchen sink, usually half a peanut butter sandwich.  It took me literally months to notice this pattern, and when I did, a few months more to do something about it.  I finally got to the point where I thought it was ridiculous. I deserved to eat something that required a plate or a bowl, some sort of eating utensil, a napkin, a chair and a table.  Maybe even a place mat. Something that required turning on the oven.  That was a big step in my healing process.  I deserved to feed myself properly.

It wasn’t about punishing myself; it was about putting effort into taking care of myself.  For a long time, I didn’t have the energy. It took a lot of energy to get up and get out of my pajamas.  I made myself walk around the neighborhood, as that was a form of therapy for me and it did make me feel better to get some fresh air and see some grass and trees, hear the birds sing.

I made a new friend who loved to go dancing and was a “groupie” for several good dance bands.  She knew when and where they were playing, and it got me out of the house and forced me to wash my hair, put on some lipstick, and wear non-elastic waisted pants. Turns out music and dancing are very therapeutic. I didn’t know it then, but these little moments were the building blocks of my self-care after divorce.

Slowly I came back to life.  Self-care became a thing again.  I understand that when you are going through a divorce, sometimes it is all you can do to keep your head above water.  There are bills to pay.  There are appointments with attorneys, teachers, counselors, kids’ school activities, and the vet. You need groceries. You are at the bottom of the list. That needs to change.

Put on Your Oxygen Mask First

It’s the sage mandate to put on your own oxygen mask first before you try to help others.  You deserve to take a hot shower, wash your hair, put on some lipstick and a nice blouse, or at least a clean t-shirt. You deserve a relaxing hot bath (water is very soothing) with a glass of wine, and the door shut.  You deserve to go for a walk, or a yoga class, or talk to your bestie for an hour.  You deserve to make a nourishing meal for yourself, (maybe an indulgent toasted cheese sandwich made out of 3 kinds of cheese, or a stir-fry of colorful veggies served over ramen noodles, or an omelet with a side of hashbrowns).  Break out a real plate, a fork, and a place mat.  Ask Alexa to play your favorite soundtrack by empowered women (Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Dolly Parton come to mind).  Whatever works for you.  Allow yourself to appreciate the effort.  It’s ok to feel good.

If you’re wondering what self-care after divorce can actually look like, here’s a realistic starting point.

Here are a few things to put on your self-care checklist:

1. Put on some lipstick and mascara.  Self-esteem can take a beating during divorce, and this small act will make you feel like you can go out in public again.
2. Wear some real pants, the kind that have buttons and /or zippers. It’s too easy to feel like you’re in pajamas if all you wear are soft clothes.  And if you’re in pajamas, maybe limit yourself to one day a week.  Small steps. Then it’s time to treat yourself to looking more pulled together.
3. Make a nice dinner for yourself. Maybe invite a friend or two over to share it with you and have them bring the wine.
4. Get some movement going. Moving your body helps to get rid of pent-up feelings of anger, anxiety, sadness, and other negative emotions. It doesn’t have to be anything extreme—a nice walk with the dog can do wonders.  That being said, a strenuous game of pickle ball or a session with a punching bag can feel really good too.  Do what feels good and makes you feel happy.
5. Plan things into your day that make you happy and feel good—something you look forward to during the day. Be intentional here.  It can be simple things like enjoying a good cup of coffee, taking a lunch hour walk with a friend, or taking your child to get ice cream after school—whatever makes you happy. Maybe start a journal of these things, in case you hit a point where you fall into a slump and need reminders.
6. Look to be “Surprised and Delighted” every day. I started this practice this past year and it has been amazing to me that every day I actually am surprised and delighted by something—it can be a favorite song I haven’t heard in years or trying my hand at making an orange creamsicle cake that turned out to be fantastic.  Maybe it was a friend who invited me to her house for a homemade dinner of chicken parmesan and a movie. It can be coming in to work to find two more information calls regarding mediation or divorce coaching on my schedule. Every night before going to bed, identify the S&D for the day. Sometimes there’s even more than one.  This is also a great journaling idea, to remind you of the magic that still exists even “in the thick of the ick,” as I call it.
7. Daydream about the life you want to create—then take steps, however small, to bring that into your current reality. Look for things that give you the feeling of living that life.  Maybe you don’t own a beach house yet, but you can look at gorgeous beach getaways and maybe even plan a vacation at an Air bnb at a wonderful beach.  Perhaps you don’t own a snazzy little sports car right now, but you can rent one for a weekend to get the feel for it, then start a savings account specifically for that car.

Related post: Finding Peace in the Midst of Divorce: How to Heal After a Breakup

Switching Gears to Mediation…

Since we are discussing things you deserve, here are some things you deserve during mediation:

1. You deserve to be treated with respect and civility by your spouse during mediation meetings
2. You deserve transparency regarding any financial documents, as well as any communication during the mediation process
3. You deserve to have your voice heard, and your ideas considered
4. You deserve to make decisions for your life

Contact us

Self-care after divorce is not indulgent—it’s essential. It’s how you begin to rebuild.

Bottom line is that you matter.  If you are considering divorce, schedule a complimentary information call to explore whether mediation is a good fit for you.  If you are already in mediation or using attorneys to divorce, and would like to check out how working with a certified divorce coach can help you manage conflict, save money, and coparent effectively with your ex, visit our website at www.intentionaldivorce.com to learn more and to schedule your complimentary information call. 

You don’t have to do this alone!