The Chaos and Opportunity of Divorce

by Liesel Darby, M.Ed., M.A., CC - Divorce Mediator & Divorce Coach

The Chinese Take on Chaos

Consider the word “chaos”—the images that spring to my mind contain an element of speed. Something has happened quickly, out of the blue, and your world is suddenly upside down. Chaos is the opposite of control.

Now consider the word “opportunity.”  For me, this has positive emotions connected to it, as in, “What a great opportunity!”  I’ve never heard anyone say, “That’s a terrible opportunity for you.”  It has always held the notion that good things lie ahead if only you give it a chance.

Interestingly, the Chinese symbol for chaos is the same for opportunity.  The Chinese have a proverb, “A crisis is an opportunity riding a dangerous wind.”  One experience but two differing takes on it.

When Your World Crumbles

I was married to my college sweetheart, and I had always thought that we were so good together, real partners.  We had been through some recent chaos—he had lost his job in 2008, but we were fortunate that he found another great opportunity closer to where we both grew up.  Life was good…until he hit his mid-40’s.

I started noticing that he was spending less time with me and going out with his best friend, who was going through a divorce and was hitting the bars as his wingman. He traded in his Cadillac for a Camaro; his Honda Shadow for a Harley. Then I noticed he kept bringing up his “work wife” in conversation. It progressed into territory where I felt unease, but nothing I could pin down or make an accusation about at the time. Hindsight is perfectly clear, but I still felt blindsided when he told me he wanted a divorce, and he was moving in with the work wife. What a cliché: he traded me in for a younger version of me. Yuck. Welcome, chaos.

Opportunity Knocks

I mentioned that in Chinese, chaos and opportunity are the same character, and opportunity is riding in on a dangerous wind. It’s usually once this dangerous wind has blown open the door and thrown things around a bit, that opportunity shows up, peering in at the mess, rapping its knuckles on the doorframe.

You’re probably standing there in a daze, clutching a couch pillow. You may not even hear the knock at that time. That’s ok. Sometimes you need time to catch your breath and get your bearings before you can even begin to recognize anything that might allow you to move forward. Have you ever noticed, though, that when something in your life crumbles, soon something else arrives to take its place?  Is that a knock at the door?

You Answer the Door

Divorce has a way of turning everything in your life into chaos, either in one swift move, or unravelling over time as new challenges come to light. The immediate chaos involves making some big decisions relatively quickly:  How do we even start this process? Who gets to keep the cat?  What about the credit card debt?  How are we going to share custody of the kids?  Who will pay for college?

Take a breath. A mediator can help you have these conversations with your spouse so that you can make agreements that are acceptable to you both, increasing the likelihood that they will be upheld down the line. Mediation is also an opportunity to learn how to communicate with your spouse to mitigate conflict and negotiate other issues that could arise as you switch from being romantic partners to being co-parents.

Other questions may arise. How are you going to handle having to see him with HER?  Will the kids like his new place better because it has a pool?  OMG, what if the kids like HER?  You can’t even think about dating—and are you too old for this anyways? Where are my keys?

These thoughts threaten to take over your waking hours—and also the hours you’re supposed to be sleeping so that you can have some kind of clear mind to deal with these questions during the day. Not only is sleep elusive, but you notice that when you do remember to eat, it seems to be only pepperoni pizza or Fritos. Your coworkers are beginning to give you the side eye as you sit and stare blankly at your computer. If one of them asks you how you’re doing, you’re afraid you may burst into tears.  We need to talk about self-care.  More on this later.

Eventually, though, this passes. It will take a while, so be patient with yourself. In the meantime, what other opportunities are there for you?  Divorce is an ending, but also a beginning. If your world has been blown up, you pretty much have to start over.  Do you need to find a job?  Go back to school? Find a new place to live? Make a budget (and stick with it?) 

Instead of panicking, take a deep breath and take stock. I had to figure out a new career, find a new place to live, and make a budget. Here is where I also had an opportunity to choose my attitude about how I was going to move forward. I chose to view this as a Phoenix Rising phase. I found a perfect apartment and decorated it exactly the way I wanted to. I got rid of 12 carloads of marital stuff, and sold all the jewelry he had ever given me. I made a new friend who was also divorced, and we went dancing on the weekends.

I was currently unemployed but was receiving spousal support, so I decided to reinvent myself as a divorce coach. I was already a certified life coach, with a counseling background, but I started learning all I could about divorce, along with how to build a business. I became a certified divorce mediator through the Ohio Supreme Court.  Opportunities came along, including being a communication coach for women divorcing narcissists, then working as a case facilitator for a divorce lawyer. That led me to my current happy place as a divorce mediator and divorce coach for Intentional Divorce Solutions. Opportunity knocked, many times—it was my job to answer it. This is your call as well.

Opportunities for Support

Everyone can use support during divorce, as well as long afterwards. There are several opportunities for you in this regard. In addition to offering support groups, I also offer individual divorce coaching to keep you moving forward. I also recently launched coaching groups with specific topics - the first one will focus on self care. You don’t have to go through this alone!  Support is just a click away.

Click here for more information on our upcoming group divorce coaching program - From Stress to Strength: Self-Care for Confident Decision-Making During Divorce.

Click here for more information on our Support Groups.